Wilderness Tips

This post is in honor of Erik the Red Johnson who posted a comment asking for
"any advice/tips/anecdotes-where-Richard-gets-burned?" So here it goes.

Advice:
1. Only train enough to be able to outrun the slowest person in your party. This is the most efficient way to survive a wilderness attack. You don't have to train so much that you can outrun the animal, nor do you have to be nimble enough on your feet to escape. You just gotta be that much faster and nimbler than one other person. And people are much less fast and nimble than other animals.

2. When hiking, be sure to put stones or some other heavy object(s) in everyone else's packs. This will help you feel more hardcore when they are the first to get tired during the day. Plus you can blame them when it takes a long time to get anywhere. "Why don't you hike faster, nerd?"

3. When hiking in a hot desert, always be sure to drink plenty of water. The reason for this, of course, is so that if you get too hot you can take off your shirt, pee on it, and wrap it around your head to cool off.

4. Build cities on Rock n Roll.

5. Don't let the voices in your head lead you astray or discourage you. If they do, tell them to shut up. Example: On our way out of the Grand Canyon, I had a Coldplay song stuck in my head, the lyrics of which proclaim "nobody said this was easy now." Gee, thanks. That makes me feel a lot better. Jerks.

6. Don't eat yellow snow.

7. When trudging through snow, make Richard go first to make footsteps. If you don't have a Richard, elect the person with the longest legs. If you are the person with the longest legs, "accidentally" sprain your ankle and make others carry you.

8. Snickers are good for you, eat them often.

9. Make Richard wash his socks 2+ times a day. Else they reek.

10. When life gives you fire, pan-sear the wildlife.

11. There is no such think as a "nice kitty" in the wilderness.

12. Hike with people who are same-footed as you. For example, Richard and I should not have hiked together because he is a lefty and I a righty. Thus when trudging and toiling through snow, Rich would step onto the snow with his left foot first while I would step with my right. We always wondered why it was hard to follow in each others footsteps.

13. Step on logs not over them. Rattlesnakes like to curl up right next to logs and stepping on them alerts them to your presence instead of pissing them off like stepping on them does.

13. Don't read books about giant spiders or wolves or anything that might hunt you down and eat you. Unless they have bud light.

14. Don't get between a mother tourist and her child.

15. Never stand between a man in a suit with a briefcase and his Starbucks.

16. If life gives you a freezing river lake or stream, throw Richard in.

17. If life provides you with a steep paved hill with no cars in sight, skateboard down it.

18. If life blesses you with roadkill, eat it. It is probably better than easy mac.

19. When constipated, eat dried fruit :). Seymour, did you catch that? When constipated, eat dried fruit.

20. KOA campgrounds are in sucky locations but provide untimed showers.

21. When parking in Yosemite, smear your vehicle all over in honey and leave a live elk in your car to prevent bears from disturbing said vehicle.

22. If it is raining and you need a fire, I don't know how to start one but you are supposed to use knots (the joint in a tree where a branch grows from the main stalk) from pine trees for the fire. These will burn even when wet because they have so much pine pitch in them. (for serious here)

23. If you need shelter, bring a Richard. He is a genius with the stiletto...I mean with building shelters.

24. If life brings you a great vista, take a dump. This is Richard's favorite thing to do. Add a map to the mix and he is in ecstasy.

This should be all you need to know to survive in the wilderness.

anecdotes-where-Richard-gets-burned

So, I'm sure you have all heard of the age-old trick of lighting farts on fire. Well when we were down in the Grand Canyon, the night after we ate chili, Richard thought it would be funny to see if he could actually do it. So he left his boxers on and prepared the waterproof matches. When the spirit moved, the gas and fire collided in a poof of destiny. Unfortunately, as we found out, fruit-of-the-loom does not make fireproof nor fire resistant boxers. To find out more, ask Richard about the hole in his speckled boxers and the top of his tent. :) I had no part in this.